How Things Are Gonna Work Around Here

I’m going to vent about Colin Kaepernick. I’m going to defend him until I don’t. I’m going to sing the praises of Trent Baalke, Jim Harbaugh and the entire front office. I’m going to harp on little errors by anyone on the team that deserves it. I’m going to discuss the history of the 49ers I didn’t witness, and I’m going to really discuss what I have seen with my own two eyes. I’m going to give you facts and opinions, hope and despair. I’m going to be passionate. I’m going to bleed red and gold. I’m going to say things about Frank Gore usually reserved for heroes and saints—of which he is both.

I’m going to tell you who to start and who to sit. I’m going to apologize. I’m going to gloat. I’m going to predict, prognosticate and prophesy. I’m going to work the waivers like a wizard, and I’m going to write all about it.

I’m going to dismantle the legacy of Eli Manning piece by piece. I’m going to hate on Tom Brady. I’m going to heap lavish compliments on Calvin Johnson, Adrian Peterson, Aaron Rodgers, J.J. Watt and Joe Haden. I’m going to complain about unnecessary flags and arbitrary NFL nonsense. I’m going to glorify the gridiron.

I’m going to focus on football, but I’m going to touch on it all—the world of sports is my domain. I will venture outside this domain. I will mercilessly slander Baz Luhrman for his disgusting and torturous adaptation of a masterpiece. I will tolerate Leonardo’s appearance in such a disaster. I will get excited about Coachella. I will muse on the lyrics of Thom Yorke. I am going to have you searching shelves in bookstores for Neuromancer and anything Joseph Conrad.

I’m going to celebrate and I’m going to criticize. I’m going to rant and argue, dissect and analyze. I’m going to be deadly serious about things which matter very little in the grand scheme of it all. I’m going to be funny when I can be and probably when I shouldn’t be. I’m going to use colloquialisms, fragments and whatever else I see fit to tell the story. I’m going to use words like colloquialisms. I’m going to be wrong a lot. But I’m going to be right more often. I’m going to give you something to talk about.

And you?

You are going to read. And you are going to love it.

That’s how things are gonna go around here.